Monday, August 11, 2014

The Ancient Art of Running Away

By Zosimus Aslandor

Art by Seher One.  Suggested listening (repeat) by Phosphorescent - "Ride On"                        

            

                                           .   .   . 

Art by Seher One
"I started writing this book back when I was still crazy.  I had at the time at least five or six characters that interacted in a promising way.  But slowly the medicines took hold. They started locking the doors at night and one by one each character slipped away into the darkness. 

Eventually even Dragon stopped coming round.  I remember crying in the shower thinking I would never truly be happy again without him, without our adventures.  I wrote for a while but it was all rubbish and sadness; like a documentary of Technicolor dripping out of Oz, like the Great Nothing, pulling your dreams and wishes into a vacuum, a dark cave with growling teeth and murderous wolf eyes, nothing like the noble animal known to the night sky and myself alike.  (Tree spirits cock their funny head and the universe rotates with a little rattle and gentle understanding).  So I stopped writing, because it was depressing but mostly because I felt like I had nothing to write about.  How do you write a play with only one character?  Moreover, how do you write a character that is so far from a pigeonhole-able definition of an individual while at the same time so far from anything considered normal.  So I stopped writing. 

(1)  Then I got the bright idea I would start from the destination, start from here, and then spiral out and back to square one.  I would document the deconstruction of this strange subject, this poster child for ‘better living through chemistry.’  But of course, this dismantling of the house would most inevitably include a termination, sooner or later, and money, cold hard wonderful terrible money, has and will always be a life determinant. 

In my mind, the undoing would end me up somewhere in New Mexico, and if it turned out anything like the detailed photograph in my mind, I would be living in a tiny shipping container compound. Living, writing, and just being myself – weird in an endearing indie movie kind of way. It would probably just be myself and a pack or murder of some special animal.

(2)  I once trained a murder of crows to come when I whistled a song. My territory of influence was the grounds of a university in Northern Virginia and my pinnacle of power was the top of the parking deck on the Northeast corner of campus. I say all of this as if it no longer is.  I can still go and get the older crows to come, the ones which find my tea-kettle whistle siren song familiar.  People do not always believe me, and then they come, and they still do not believe me.  Of course I give them snacks. Proximity has always determined these bell-drooling morsels to be of the Starbucks variety - old-fashioned donuts, butter croissants, and other non-expanding-inside-the-tummies-of-avian café baked goods.






(3)   I was feeding fish off a dock next to the seafood restaurant where my family dined yesterday evening in the Eastern Shore when the world and I fell apart.  My mother reminded me I used to be the one who preached about feeding animals improper food: I was feeding the fish off the dock pieces of French fries and hushpuppies, and exclaiming about their size and the number in their school.  She reminded me of what I had told her about the exotic animals and the zoos.  For a breath, the passion I used to feel about these things pumped through my body. I breathed out and returned from this flash of nearly forgotten intensity to the mild apathy and unengaged entertainment that consumed the present moment. Everything stopped.   

The sky started to rip open and the smiling clown on the horizon started to deflate and melt into the glowing mirror of the tranquil bay.  His laughter turned into distortion, his seams unravelling and suit opening to reveal he was nothing but a hoax held up by undead rats, from a tormented dimension, with dark dull eyes, scattering into invisible holes in the water’s surface.  That is when the intolerable feelings of guilt, and anger, and sadness, and nothingness fill up every cell and start to pull you down under.  The light from the surface leaves so quickly. 

I want to go back, but I am afraid.  It used to feel as if I was lost, adrift out at sea sometimes.
 

(4)  The problem with my proposition for following the demolition of my objective functionality is logistical - both financial and consequential.  The consequences of my free-fall would leave me without a source of funds.  Ha, I misused the word. Anyhow.

(5)  The medicines kept the doors and windows locked. The amorphous character inside the locked house moped about but did her work enough to pass unnoticed by the drones and sentinels.  Over the next number of months I cried in the shower and while driving in my car; the characters stopped knocking and trying to get in- these different sides of myself were not welcome anymore. 

Back then, there were five to six characters at least. There was so much color and life. Even if it was filled with so much pain and beauty as well at least it was filled with something real. 

Over time I forgot what those characters looked and sounded like.  I would get flashes and sound bites but nothing came in more than a faded memory, the ones which you aren’t sure whether they are your own or something you watched on TV.    

(6)  I do not watch TV.  We own one.  It is a nice large flat screen, but it’s not hooked up to the ‘TV.’  There’s a cable nearby I saw when I set up the entertainment system a year ago when we moved in but I’ve never plugged it in to try it.  What is Mozart, that one specific symphony, to that lad in the Clockwork Orange, post-forced movie viewing, is to TV to me.  I hear Kanye West’s voice singing that it is a perfect day to jump out a window:  self-defenestration.  The idea came to me as a child.  I hate TV in theory because it defines, promotes, and viciously perpetuates all of the horribleness of popular culture.  I am not saying however, that TV does not have a number of awesome shows in the mix.  I am talking overall that it is horrible.

When I watch some shows on TV I have terrible nightmares for months.  Yet, in general, my dreams are the same as they have always been, so they, my characters, could not have completely left.  My nights are still filled with low-level anxiety and general consternation.


(When the medicines started locking them out at night the characters learned how to creep into the walls and press into the windows.) 

(8)  Alas, my father once told me that poetry was not any good if no one but the poet understood it.  As I take similar liberties here, I shall provide annotation:

(9)  A few weeks ago I was driving when I caught a sound bite from heard someone on the Kojo Nnamdi Show, WAMU 88.5. They were talking about a mental illness described in the 1800s, ‘Drapetomania,’ which caused black slaves to flee captivity. The idea seems so ridiculous in retrospect.  The truth of reality seemed obvious. 

I started to think about the debatable validity of modern mental illness.   Bipolar disorder, depression, generalized anxiety, ADD/ADHD. Perhaps the truth of reality is right in front of us but some of us are too close to see it for what it is. 

If your mind is not already there then come with me a moment and imagine the modern world as it is to some.  Step back, two steps away from the universe, where I often am, orbiting.  Can you see how the modern world may seem to certain individuals? People, who are intelligent but divergent in their mental activity; inclined to create new patterns, excited by possibility and growth; bound to the well-being of humanity as if by their flesh to the beating of the collective human heart.  

Now imagine a world in their eyes, a landscape of beauty and wonder but also of human predation, futile routine and endless greed, where as a citizen of the first world nearly every detail in the logistics of your day translates to the suffering of others, countless others.  Where the blue and clouds above are tearing open, a void spreading in the sky, a cacophony in the universe, where in the middle a fire burns of meaningless destruction, fueled by the sins of humankind.

What if you were a child, of the aforementioned kind, were expected to live in this world? Not just persist, but participate. Learn how to be deaf to the harsh sound of reality. Even if you choose to pursue a noble path you still wake every morning knowing millions of your brothers and sisters are suffering, and that you just sleeping in your bed, somehow contributed to it.  Even with numbness and blinders, how do you carry this weight and dissonance? 

Would this modern world and life you are expected to live not seem then like some kind of forced captivity? Would you not want to flee?

(10)  Consider the possibility that what we collectively call mental illnesses of the modern world, are nothing more than present-day Drapetomanias.  Perhaps we are not all sick - perhaps we are simply practicing different techniques in the ancient art of running away. 
 
                                                                          .    .    .


___________________________________________

 Numbered Annotations:

 If you are someone who more easily follows a conversation when it has clear segues and linear explanations, I invite you to use the numbered annotations provided while reading the following piece.

(1)  (à strategies for writing a book à)
 
(2)  (à murder of crows à)
 
(3) (à feeding wild animalsà)

(4) (à issue with going offà)
(5) (à meanwhile, trying to remember how it used to beà)
(6)  (à TV to reality à)
(7)  (deleted)
(8) (à helping hands…à)
(9)  (à an explanation of this written piece, leading to the actual point to be madeà)
(10) (à ergo: à)

Sunday, April 6, 2014

The 35/95 Minute Window


Sometime between 35 and 75 minutes a window opens in the room and possibility starts drifting in like ultra-violet tear gas, suffocating your mind with visions of the future. Only better. A better life, a better you. Richer, deeper, more meaningful, more connected, more colorful, more impactful. More than this moment. Where the rejection of the current moment and the buy-in on a new life create a timelessness where you get lost between mindfulness and dissociation. Staring at your screen you imagine yourself practicing MMA again, actually spending time with the people you really care about and connect with, drawing more, staying late at the office less, staring out the window feeling empty less often. Staring out the window at the sunny day that is showing on the movie screen of today. Where parked cars lightly dusted with pollen and daffodils stand erect defying the long winter we've had. Hearing the chimes ring in the background soundtrack alongside the notes of the airplane overheard and the crows in the trees across the street. Where is everyone. You hear your step dad outside the window in the yard talking on the phone; I know where he is and what he's been doing you think. But where's everyone else. Someone pulls up in a golden tan minivan. You hear the creak of the gate opening and you see it's your neighbor's tenets. They are walking down the red brick path to the cottage behind your neighbors house. A young man and his girlfriend. His girlfriend with a long brown pony tail, wearing neon pink running shorts and running shoes. Is this it. I'm sitting alone in my office, putting off starting two development packages I need to create and have ready by tomorrow for the programmers to get started with. It's Sprint 6, supposed to be our last. We will probably go into Sprint 7 since I am new at my job and overlooked three remaining business requirements that need to be addressed but the business doesn't know that yet. They suspect it, I'm sure, which is why the one woman always sounds so stressed on the 10 am Scrum calls. I want to just tell her, Hey, we overlooked this but want to do it right, so we are going to go past the schedule for another two weeks, I promise we will do the best job we can do and you will be happy at the product we are creating for your business, you will be happy with the service we are building to provide for veterans. Veterans. I can't even imagine what that is like. The thought overwhelms me. I balk at the reality of the world, I can't imagine living it. Killing someone, having your best friend killed, losing your leg, losing your arm, losing your mind. Many times in my life I could have thought I am losing my mind but instead I thought my mind is losing me. I can't handle my own mind. Which is why I am heavily medicated. "Heavily medicated" is a term I use freely when speaking of my situation and it is a term that means something I can't stand. I am so in touch with the world around me and the world around me is so out of balance that my mind can't fully accept or reject reality and thus can't go in a straight line. Instead it spirals on some unseen but ever present multidimensional graph where unicorns sit on frictionless planes and discuss the apartheid and bilateral asynchronous cutover in health care IT. In that place there is the sound of a bird chirping that arrives in early spring, chime bells swaying in the light breeze, and a song that you're humming but can't identify. Blocks away you hear the clock tower toll four times and you realize it's 95 minutes and the window must be closed.


Sunday, April 14, 2013

My Friend.

Ant farming

it immediately got covered in it's own thing. That's very odd isn't it?* /Enough drawing - time to write.

speaking of eyeliner. [new, waterproof, new top design -weird, pen-like nature, partly smudged.]

so, as we were saying, you can't make an two dimensional magnum opus. it just doesn't work like that [vigorously washing face], face later 'burned',  raw and red. enters cheap makeup from Target,
"putting on my makeup was a theatrical event today, it took the whole ride to the house.

Ants are cool and all but fuck, I don't want to live in an ant colony in goddamned ant farm. Two-dimensional, porous, limited professionalism, limited perforation. A 8 inch ceiling and ever so,close glass walls, tunneling, winding openings. it's not bad it's not bad it's just not what I want.

Please oh dear, don't make things to two-d.

I'm waiting, so patiently for Dragon, he's sleeping and waiting too. /in the shop for repairs we say. ha

in the meantime....

Enter no-face monsters,
sliding, slipping, creeping,

funny thing to sit across from yourself drawing yourself and someone sits in your seat. Ah, Oh what's wrong. It's okay, I was sitting across drawing myself. You kind of sat on me but its cool, it'll be fine.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

The House of Sabbatical and the Musical Cats




        I fell asleep last night reading the Tao Te Ching.  Tink was curled up on my feet and behind me lay an electric guitar unplugged.  I would pluck the deepest string and feel sound travel through the bed. The sound and weight on the covers gave the comfort of someone curled up next to me, humming me to sleep.





                                                                             (Michael Parkes)
...............................

I visited a bed and breakfast in climate similar to California.  It was a small  complex, elegant but humble. The house was tranquil, but was undergoing some sort of transformation, so the owners were there, but not available.  In their stead were two cats, one grey and one cream, but they were not any ordinary cats. 

The cats were keeping the house, and they kept it well.   The grey cat walked me  through the terraced hallways lined with terracotta tiles and led me outside to the courtyard to a glass top wrought iron table and chair.  Cooling on the table was a jar of bones and honey, and a green and gold lined teapot and cup.   I turned around and the grey cat was gone and in his place sat the cream cat.  "Window" he purred.  I looked up to the window above me and back at him.  "Window" he purred again.  I stood up and pulled open the stain glass window.  I stepped back and the cream cat was gone.

The grey and cream cats were musicians, but not any ordinary musicians.  I took a spoonful of honey and heard something warm brush up against my left ear.  I brought the cup beneath my nose and inhaled the spicy mist, and felt something brush up against my right ear. I brought the tea to my lips to where I could feel the heat tingle, and I felt my whole head swell with something delirious that was floating from the open window and slipping into my ears.  Inside the house, the two cats, one on the piano and one on the violin, were deconstructing something beautiful.  The opened a portal in the courtyard; at opposite ends of a paper universe the ripped edges started to disappear  the mind's landscape dissolved into darkness, and then, in a crescendo of white hot life, the soul's entirety set aflame.  Their music was like laughter and I wanted to take it deeper inside me.  I finished my tea, smiled, left a seashell on the green and golden saucer.   It would be the seventh season before I returned again to this house.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Do you see the panther face?

Werewolf Mother of Saturn

The idea of having children strikes me as just as good an idea as giving a werewolf a litter of kittens to raise.  Waxing days of love, waning days of tender care, a dire warning for a bedtime story, and new moons shackled to the oak tree in the yard, teeth and claws gnashing and a litter of kittens huddled underneath the house trembling.                         9/10/08





Today I'm rolling in 36 deep with little pink, yellow, and purple tomato babies.  (heirloom, ooh fancy)